What activities can I do with my foster children to help them feel part of the family?
Monday 10 September 2018
This article has been written by someone who has undergone Foster Carer training, and is looking to foster with Five Rivers. Here, they reflect on their parenting style, and how they might need to adapt to accommodate a foster child. They also explain some of the advice they have received from experienced Foster Carers.
As we near the end of deciding whether to foster, I have been thinking about how things will be at home day to day. I have spoken to a woman who fosters and have been talking about routines and how our normal family life may be disrupted once we foster a child.
She reassured me that while there can certainly be struggles, I will adapt to this new way of life just as I do with the challenges my own children bring. It’s a comfort, knowing that I’ll adjust, just like I always do with the ups and downs of everyday parenting. It’s clear that I need to stop stressing about the big things and focus on the small, everyday actions that will help integrate the new child into our family.
My Control-Freak Tendencies (And How They Might Need to Change)
I’ll admit, I can be a little too controlling at times. One of my friends calls me a helicopter parent, and although I don’t like labels, I do see how I tend to my children’s every need. This is not always a bad thing, in my opinion, but it is something that I am aware of as I know that the children we will foster will not be used to spending a lot of time with their parents. I have been thinking about nice things that we can do together in a relaxed way, like watching DVDs or cooking a meal together, so that we can get to know what they like and don’t like.
Comments from Five Rivers Child Care: Ideas such as watching DVDs or making dinner together are great as children can put as little or as much effort in as they want to with no pressure, and there is to be some common ground. When it comes to food, it is also worth noting that children who have come from a background of neglect may have a difficult relationship with food in terms of nutrition, so try not to put too much pressure on eating exactly what your family eat straightaway.
Taking Things Slowly: Building Trust Over Time
I remember speaking to Dan*, the foster child of the lady I was talking about. He said that he used to just stay in his room and did not want to get involved in things. He said he changed over time, so I know I will have to be patient.
Comments from Five Rivers Child Care: If you are considering fostering, it is sensible to think ahead about what family life will be like. It is also reassuring that our author is evaluating her actions, acknowledging that she will need to adapt in terms of her protective parenting style. Putting too much pressure on children to do activities they are wary of can lead to more anxiety. It is important to remember that if children have come from a home where their parents have neglected them, then their room may be their solace where they can get away from it all. So, like Dan*, it may take time for you to prise children away from their room to take part in family activities.
Making Adjustments to Family Routines
Whilst there are small things that I think we can handle well, the big things like bedtimes, or making sure the children do their homework may be more of a challenge for us – well, for me anyway.
The foster mum I was speaking to admitted that bedtime was often the most challenging part of introducing another child to her home. If we get older children, then a normal bath, story, and tuck-in bed routine will not be applicable, so I am worried about making sure they get enough sleep and do not disturb my children too much.
Again, challenges around bedtimes and homework issues are things that every parent goes through, so I know I will not be on my own. I may just need the added support of Five Rivers Social Workers.
Comments from Five Rivers Child Care: Our author has hit the nail on the head again. She will be experiencing issues that all parents go through, and if you take that outlook, then you are less likely to put extra pressure on yourself to be the perfect Foster Carer.
Of course, there will be added difficulties with some foster children due to the trauma they have been through, but the more natural and relaxed you are, the more likely that you will form a natural bond with them.
In terms of bedtime routines, this could be something completely alien to some children, as they may have come from a home where they can either do what they want, or have no sense of relaxation and wind down time.
Be mindful of any history of sexual abuse when it comes to bedtime, particularly when entering their bedroom as part of a bedtime routine. You will notice the anxiety, and of course, you will get expert support on how to deal with these issues.
The Power of Humor and Fun
Overall, I think my family needs to be open-minded about what activities we can do together and how to integrate routines, etc. If all else fails, we can get the Xbox out, haha!
The best advice I have received so far is that being as creative as possible is key, as is being a good role model. By doing both of these things, I can allow children the time, space, and input they need to become accustomed to their new home.
Comments from Five Rivers Child Care: We love the way our author laughs about the Xbox. You should not let humour leave you! Regardless of a child’s age, getting to know each other through play is essential, whether that be art projects, sensory play, sports or competing at Angry Birds.
Allowing a relationship to grow in a fun and organic way will help build trust so you can then explore the deeper issues, such as: are they really avoiding homework, or are they struggling to read?
*Names have been changed to protect children in care.