The critical role of boundaries in therapeutic parenting: ‘High nurture, high structure’

Tuesday 13 January 2026
Last updated: Wednesday 14 January 2026

Written by Louise Bartel, Clinical Practitioner in our Clinical Services team.

We know that parenting children who have experienced complex trauma requires more than traditional discipline strategies. Their brains and nervous systems have adapted to survive in unpredictable, unsafe environments, leaving them in a “survival brain” mode. This means that executive function skills such as emotional regulation, impulse control, reflection, and planning are under-developed or offline much of the time.

When the brain remains stuck in this survival mode, behaviours such as violence, spitting, aggression and self-harm are not simply “bad choices”, but neurobiological survival strategies. Recovery from complex trauma means helping the brain move from survival responses to thoughtful, regulated behaviour; rewiring through experience. To support healing and growth, therapeutic parenting must offer reparative learning experiences, helping new neural connections form, so higher-order brain functions can gradually emerge. This is where the ATIC value of the ‘two-handed approach; high nurture, high structure’ becomes essential.

As caring adults, we are often fantastic at offering our children nurture. However, we need to ensure that we balance this with structure; boundaries, consistency, and predictability, to promote brain growth and executive function development.

High nurture, high structure: what it is and why it matters

This approach is not permissive, and it is not punitive, it is structured, predictable, and deeply nurturing. High nurture means therapeutic parents are emotionally attuned, empathetic, and relationally present, allowing children to feel safe and understood. This helps regulate nervous systems and builds trust.

High structure means setting clear expectations, boundaries, and consistent responses to behaviour, which teaches safety and predictability, critical elements for rewiring executive functions. Together, these create the secure base that permit children to practice new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.

Boundaries: safety through predictability

Children with trauma histories lived without reliable boundaries. Their early worlds were unstable, unpredictable, and unsafe. For them, boundaries represent safety, not restriction. When boundaries are delivered with warm, consistent responses, they provide a stable framework within which the child’s nervous system can learn to regulate.

Setting boundaries does not mean harshness. It means:

• Clear limits delivered calmly and predictably.

• Consistent expectations that help children know what is safe and what is not.

• Responses that are the same each time a behaviour occurs, helping the child predict consequences and gradually feel control, rather than chaos.

Boundaries should be firm but compassionate, as they help children to feel secure, not abandoned.

Boundaries – what are they really?

Boundaries are not specific rules that we tell children to follow, they are statements of what we, as parents, will do. Clinical Psychologist Dr Becky Kennedy frames this helpfully as ‘A boundary is something you tell someone you will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing’.

This is powerful for several reasons. It puts responsibility on us as the adults (who can control our own actions) not the children. Secondly, it doesn’t depend on the child’s behaviour, the boundary is upheld regardless of compliance. And finally, it reduces power struggles and clarifies expectations.

Example:

Instead of saying, “Stop jumping on the sofa!” (a request), a boundary would be: “We do not jump on the furniture. If you’re still jumping on the sofa when I walk over, then I will need to guide you to a safe place to jump.”

This clearly communicates what you will do and importantly does not hinge on the child’s choice to follow or resist

Some simple steps to implement effective boundaries

1. State what you will do (not what they should do). Your boundary should focus on your actions, not demands e.g. ‘I will,’ instead of ‘you must.’

2. Keep the language clear, calm and firm. How you say something matters. Calm, neutral delivery communicates clarity without escalating emotion. Remember, less words, less emotion.

3. Validate feelings whilst holding the boundary Children understandably often feel upset when a boundary is enforced; ‘Name it to tame it’ – “I know that’s disappointing”, “I hear that you’re frustrated.” This does not mean backing down, instead you are supporting emotional regulation while maintaining the boundary or response.

4. Consistently maintain set boundaries. Boundaries only work if they are maintained each time. Consistency helps children to learn to trust through predictability.

Why are boundaries important?

1. They teach emotional regulation Rather than punishing a child for reacting poorly, boundaries help them learn to manage emotions safely.

2. They build trust Children start to feel more secure when they know what will happen, even if it’s not what they want. Consistency creates predictability and safety.

3. They cultivate resilience When boundaries are clear and steady, children learn frustration tolerance, an essential life skill that supports confidence and self-control.

4. They avoid the punishment cycle Threat-based discipline doesn’t build skills; it builds fear and resistance. Boundaries that focus on behaviour through adult action foster skill-building, rather than punishment.

Those of you who are familiar with my clinical approach will know that I love a therapeutic story. I find that stories and metaphors are a powerful and useful way to communicate effectively, offering a deeper understanding of the message.

The Garden Fence

In a quiet town, there was a small community garden where children came to play. The garden had once been wild and overgrown, plants trampled, flowers uprooted, nothing able to grow for long.

One day, the gardeners built a simple wooden fence around it. Not tall. Not harsh. Just clear. At first, the children pushed and leaned and rattled it, testing every post. They wanted to know if the fence would hold. They wanted to know if this space was like all the others, temporary, fragile, unpredictable.

But the fence stood firm, day after day. Inside it, the flowers grew. The soil settled. And slowly, the children realised they didn’t need to push so hard anymore. Because the fence wasn’t there to trap them, it was there to protect what was growing.

I hope that this story encapsulates the importance of boundaries. Boundaries don’t seek to control children, they create safety.

They say:

• Your feelings are allowed.

• My job is to keep you safe.

• I’m strong enough to hold both.

And for a child who has known chaos, that steadiness is imperative.